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| It's been a long time since I wrote anything worthwhile. I have something to say now. I am young, and 2 years can change a lot of things. Still, with the natural tides of my changing mind, the way changes and "growing up" generally mean I am becoming more cynical, I wouldn't have expected that deep impressions on my heart could be lifted so suddenly... that I could be renewed. Where I am right now is evidence to me of Mercy that is far beyond me.
To explain what this means, and where I am right now I really have to go back a few years to where I was and why. Two years ago, I became incredibly frustrated with the state of the majority of Christian churches. I was submerged in a place where I absorbed a great deal of the culture of the modern church, until over time, I became convinced that the theology was twisted in a way that seemed to negate every progressive effort, and I left. I believe that essentially, we cannot become more Christ like, and reflect God's goodness into the world until we get past our simple minded idea that "goodness" translates, "things that produce positive emotions."We cannot become like God until we understand His true character. From what I saw, the consequences of neglecting sound doctrine were tragic, and the Church had become very shallow. The fear of the Almighty was replaced with superstition. Compassion was replaced with pamphlets. The relationships Jesus's ministry exemplified were replaced with hit and run evangalism. Community was replaced with cliques. Truth was replaced with Chicken Soup for the Soul. Genuine faith was replaced with fickle emotions.
Over the past two years, I have developed many opinions about the role of the Church, which I still believe in very firmly. I believe that the Church is not a place for evangilism. I know it sounds wrong, but hear me out. When a church becomes primarily a place where people bring friends who don't know Christ in order to expose them to the gospel, things begin to decay. The lessons may begin to take every message and put it in terms of what this means for the gospel, thus leading to a call to sinners to accept Christ. This really is harmless, and should be encouraged. Things get dangerous, however, when the message becomes entirely limited to the gospel, because while the gospel is the central message of the Word, the rest was given to us in order to direct growth, and teach Christians how to take that message... how to live it out. There is so much to the Bible that Christians need to hear and have insight into in order to grow accordingly, and an entire congregation's maturity should not be neglected after each individual professes faith. Soon, even the most basic points of the gospel begin to be put in the audiences terms, and it starts to resemble shady sales tactics. How can we sell Jesus to skeptics? With this said, I do not believe church is primarily a place for evangalism, considering that it often comes at the price of a stagnant church body. How are we, then, to tell people? I cannot answer this entirely, but from what I have seen, I know that there are a lot of ways not to do it. There are people who are called to evangelism, and I believe God gifts those people in wonderful ways, and have nothing but respect for them. But for the rest of us, I do believe that the most efficient form of evangalism rarely requires words. People watch, and they will decide for themselves if your life is any different without you having to tell them how Jesus changed your life. I believe in getting close to people, and just being a friend to them, simply out of love. Not because you think you can save their soul, because you can't. Only the Spirit can do that. But you are called to love them unconditionally. Something that really saddens me about the way people are taught to "evangelize" is that non belivers, image bearers of God, are devalued. A few years ago, I had people on a weekly basis telling me that I should not regularly associate with people who were not Christians, that if I got around them too much, the dark forces would begin to take over me before my good forces could take over them. When as young adults my friends and I were told this, it resulted in a clique of Christian kids at my high school, and if we impacted anyone who wasn't a Christian, I believe we did so by convincing them once and for all that, as a good friend of mine once put it, "Jesus loved people, but Christians don't." The form of evangalism we were taught was based on the belief that we could catch their disease. Of course this was said in a much more pleasant way ("be the influence, not the influenced.") but essentially, what it meant was that we ought not get our hands dirty. Instead, we were sent off to sort of recruit new members to our club. A short, clean cut conversation that should last no longer than 45 minutes to an hour with a list of verses, a little sympathetic nodding, and a call and repeat prayer should do the trick. We needed to do this swiftly and without interruption, before someone changed our opinions of God or questioned loopholes in our very underdeveloped faith, stirring up deep questions our youth leaders would have to distract us from via vague responses the next week... because the truth was, they weren't prepared for questions like that. And they couldn't point us to someone who was. This is the state of the church.
Earlier I mentioned that I felt the fear of God had been replaced with superstition. This is hard to explain without going into detail, but I think people followed the rules to give them a sense of control and assurance. No one ever said this, but I think everyone sort of felt like God would work things out for good people. But if someone had premarital sex, for instance, God would probably jinx their marriage so that it would fall apart in 5-10 years. Alcohol was really a huge deal, and honestly, it isn't in the Bible. Jesus once made more wine for wedding guests who were (arguably?) already drunk. (you can ask me about why I say this if you want.) I think the Bible teaches moderation, but I honestly think it would be more Biblical to stumble around in public for a week so stupidly drunk that you could not talk than it would be to lord it over someone because you've never had a drop of alcohol. During Jesus's lifetime, the people whose sin was clear to them would come to Jesus and repent properly, and be saved. They had a deep understanding of their brokenness. People who came to Jesus proudly announcing their lack of sin and expecting His congratulations were disappointed.
So I spent the last 2 years picking believers apart. When a person started to tell me what God told them, I did not hear another thing they said... it was blasphemy. They were talking about their inward impressions, but they had to make it more spiritual and unquestionable by saying God told them. When someone even made reference to something like the Passion of the Christ and how it changed their life, or Mercy Me's "I Can Only Imagine" or said that their "A" on their Spanish homework was "a God thing!" the recognition of Christian cliches and fads would set me off and I did not honor and respect that person. When people would stop me on campus and try to quickly lead me to Jesus via a fake $100 bill with Bible verses and prayers written on the back, I was tempted to pick them apart by asking them things I was confident they couldn't answer, or to point out what was wrong with what they were doing... but never to tell them I knew the power of the gospel because I, too, was a Christian... because I did not identify with them. I felt I had a faith that was more substantial, and I was ashamed of them. I was worse than any of the things I had initially been so frustrated with... I was turning away from my brothers and sisters, isolating myself from them instead of encouraging them. Because I didn't want to be associated with their cheesy forms of witnessing, I stopped talking about my faith to nonbelievers- even those I was friends with. Eventually, I found it hard to talk to my Christian friends about it, too, unless I was discussing logistics. I found myself very distant from God. I stopped attending church. I forgot how to pray. I started to feel a loss of identity. I mistook it for depression for a while. I would break down and I didn't know why. I didn't know who I was anymore, I had gotten so far away. The core of me was missing, and I didn't know how to get it back. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation. I prayed, and I didn't know what I was praying for, really. I didn't know how deep my calluses ran. I asked God to soften my heart. My heart was restored for the body of Christ. Only after I began to love again, and stopped feeling the need to be right did I realize that my bitterness toward Christians had been the origin of so much suffering. I am not angry anymore. God has shown me how patient he has been with me in my foolishness. He is showing me that it takes much less patience for me to love those who I believe are spiritually weak... and He is humbling me by showing me my endless weaknesses.
Over the last few weeks I've realized some things. When Paul says that if a person considers something a sin, it is sin to them, it means that if you do something with the impression that you are sinning, it will be sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. Sin is what seperates us from God, so if we do something with a rebellious spirit, we will pull away from God in guilt. If someone believes alcohol is inherently evil, I should not be angry with them for their lack of understanding. I should be gentle with them, and if I'm in a position to do so, talk to them about why that is untrue in order to keep it from being a stumbling block to their faith if they see someone they admire having a drink... and even to open their eyes to their own liberties. And I should never be the one to cause them to stumble. Christians need other Christians, and if I lose someones respect, I will lose my influence with them so that I cannot minister to that person effectively.
So many things are going on right now... I just wanted to share that. By the way... I know I'm a private person, and it's unlike me to publish something like this to the world wide web. But when I started this post, I knew it would be long and was fully confident that only people who cared me would make it to the end. Thank you for being a friend... I am sure that I would have gladly shared all of this with you over a cup of coffee. Love,
Hannah | | |
| When we came to Nashville a year ago to look at apartments, you constantly laughed at my silly, childish sense of humor. I never felt awkward, and even though I knew that what I spouted out to you in my quirky way was not the sophisticated style that you typically communicate in, you appreciated it and validated me. You've always laughed at our differences, and often hugged me and said "I love you, Hannah!" after I have said something that could have been potentially embarrassing, had it not received such an enthusiastic response. It wasn't that our trip to Nashville was the first time you made me feel accepted and cherished, but I came away from that trip with a profound awareness of it, and since I'd just been through my first year of college and had to start from scratch with new people, it was so refreshing to spend so much time with someone who already loved me for everything she knew about me, and I think I really grasped after that that our friendship is rare. When I told you tonight that sometimes I feel like you're my sister, I meant that outside of my own family, I don't think I've had another person readily accept me to that degree without ever expecting more of me, or trying to shape me into the friend they wanted me to be. You have always embraced the ways that I am different from you, like my own sister does. The beauty of it is that you didn't watch me grow up like my family did, but you've loved me as if you had.
You often call yourself cynical, and I understand why you say that because you're not easily fooled. You can be skeptical, and you are certainly not naive, but I hesitate to call you a cynic. I associate cynicism with a hardened spirit, and a lack of sensitivity. But tears always await readily right under your eyelids, reserved for grieving the defeat and suffering of people you love. If a person is blessed enough to have access to a real friendship with you, you hold them almost dangerously close, within reach of deep and sincere compassion. You rejoice with those who rejoice, and you weep with those who weep. 
You have a house in my heart that only you can inhabit. I hope that it is cozy, and I hope that you never move out of it. There is also a lifetime supply of cheese in the refrigerator. Help yourself.
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| I'm looking for a crazy, worthwhile way to spend this summer. Any suggestions? | | |
| You are my best friend. I am so proud of the person you've become. I have seen you grow up. Looking at you makes me sure that people are wrong when they say that people's personalities are a product of their environment, and no one is born "special," rather they are "nurtured" into who they will eventually become. From day one, you were someone special. You were lovable, funny, tough, hard headed, playful, honest and caring. The latter was the most dominant, and as you've grown up I've seen that although you've definitely held on to that basic personality, your natural stubbornness has given way to your love for people time and time again. You have never let go of your honesty, but have learned to use it constructively by picking your battles carefully, and by confronting people in a gentle manner. You have become so graceful in this, and I appreciate that more when I see it in you than when I see it in others because I know you had to really try for it. It didn't come natural for you, and at first it was hard for you to understand why you couldn't always speak your mind.
You have a strong sense of justice.
You are a loyal friend, and you are protective of the people you love. I've looked back several times on relationships that hurt me, and remembered that you told me early on that you didn't trust that person. You seem to have a sixth sense about people who are solid and trustworthy, and those who aren't.
You have a strong maternal instinct, and it's one of the sweetest things about you. You get worried when your friends are driving late or in the rain, and you call during finals to make sure I'm getting enough sleep. Even though it's so sad, I have to admit that when you've cried because you missed me since I've been in college, it's given me just a smidgen of satisfaction knowing that I am not replacable to you. But just a smidgen.
I love how you question things. Audrey, I can't tell you how proud of you I am about what I've seen you risk in the last year. You have been so careful to make sure that you know what you believe and why you believe it. You have conducted research to make sure that what you have been told is biblical. I've observed that you haven't acted against the things you've questioned at all in the last year, which reinforces my faith that you are really seeking out wisdom, and not just trying to be rebelious. I firmly agree with the conclusions you've come to. I am so glad you are genuine in your faith, and that you don't put Christs name on everything you do just so that you can feel a part of something that makes you comfortable. I'm glad you made yourself uncomfortable this year. I know it hurt, but I'm glad you aren't in it to be agreeable and make friends. You've put a lot on the line for the sake of truth. You are so courageous for that, and I know that it will make your faith so much more valuable to you.
If I met you and you were not my sister, I think we would be best friends anyway. I have so much respect for you.
Let's keep growing up together, okay? 
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| Daniel: Ouch! Me: That didn't hurt, haha Daniel: (pouts) do you love me even though I'm a pansie? Me: yes. You're not a pansie... you're more like a little dandelilly. Daniel: Hmmph. Me: Just a delicate little dandel-lion! Daniel: I'm not a flower! I'm beefcake! | | |
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